Jul 23 2008
Live in an emerging industrial society? Subtract 5 years
The Foundation for Infinite Survival tells me that I’m going to live until I am 86.7 years old. That means that I shouldn’t be looking forward to October 13, 2060 very much - not a Friday but still pretty unlucky for me. This is all according to their lifespan calculator, which poses such cheery questions as ‘how many of your parents died from a heart attack or stroke before the age of 50?’ and ‘are you under chronic emotional stress and anxiety?’ It’s pretty tempting to lie, but the old adage ‘you are only cheating yourself’ seems particularly apposite. Perhaps it would be nice to carry on drinking 40 units a week but with the conviction that you will live until you are 120 because you kept getting the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’ buttons confused. You’d enjoy life a good sight more, and you wouldn’t know that the coronary truck was coming until you were more or less under its wheels and bouncing out the other side of it. Personally, I’ve been using the calculator like a car insurance tool - tweak this variable here, fiddle that number there and see what result it gives you. What will give me more time - cutting out the refined sugar or taking up racquetball, whatever that is? Am I sedentary inside and outside work? That depends… how many months does it cost me? Graduating from college gives me an extra year but took three, which is probably something that they should have mentioned in the prospectus. I feel slightly cheated, and relieved that I didn’t have to take any resits.
My thoughts have now moved on to my general daily activities, and whether they are generating more lifespan than they are consuming. How good for me is a broccoli floret? How long will it take me to eat it? Can I do it faster? What gives me the most bang for my buck? I am betting raw fish and seaweed, as long as I can avoid the food poisoning. Does speeding save enough time to make it worth the risk? Would I get my five-a-day in hospital? This opens up a whole new can of worms. Everyone knows that hospitals are not the safest places to be, what with superbugs and IV drips being inserted in the wrong V, but exactly how dangerous are they? There’s never an actuary around when you need one. Never mind teaching children how to work out an annual percentage rate, we should be helping them to calcuate whether they are better off having a fag or eating hurriedly, and then whether it’s really a good idea to take their indigestion along to Accident and Emergency or not.
On a lighter note (for me at least), I am off to New York again this December. I will be spending my birthday there (add one year chronologically, two or three physiologically for all the Reubens and home-fries, don’t even think about the dangers of flying or the shadow my increased carbon footprint will return to cast on my declining, flood and tornado-ridden final years) and am really looking forward to it. Last trip I came back with seven new t-shirts; I am not sure if success will be signified by a higher or lower tally this time. Anyhow, at least I don’t have to worry about travel insurance; according to the lifespan calculator, I only need to cover myself for the one day in about fifty-three years’ time. Hooray! More money for lard-covered heroin!
Nutter !! I daren’t even go on this calcualtor thing as i’ve been having a smoke and a coffee whilst reading, so have probably just reduced my lifespan by about 5 years thanks to you !
